I let him have his way in every aspect of my lie; physically, emotionally, mentally. Basically, I lived for him. I gave him the freedom to do with me whatever he wanted whenever and however it pleased him. But like the gentle lover he was, he was as easy with me as his manliness could let him be. He remained faithful to me, and never married another woman as he promised.
Through all these, I still couldn’t find happiness with him. But as much as I was concerned it was none of his business, and I made sure that it didn’t be. Since he provided everything expected to make any sane wife envied, if I still wasn’t satisfied, then it was my own pain and I should nurse it alone. For me, by all standards, he had every right and deserved in every way to be happy, and I ensured that with my whole might. If I was there solely for the fact that I made him happy, I made myself believe that was enough. A woman’s life was meant to be majorly that of sacrifice after all.
The sickness that lead to his eventual death began when I revealed this long hidden truth to him. He went into shock on finding out that while he lived a full life with me by his side, I had none with him.
It’s for this reason that I haven’t shed a single tear since he died. I wish from somewhere within me I could shed a river full for my dear husband, the best thing that could ever happen to any woman. But my mind remains unyielding to sorrow as much as my eyes have become to tears. I’m sure the only reason why with my dry eyes there’s no one heaping any accusation on me is because of my age. And more probably because most of the evil in-laws are no more.
I’m waiting patiently for my six months mourning period to be over. Then after that, I would dust up my manuscripts from inside my old box inderneath my bed. Since I got married, I abandoned my first love, writing. I’ll ensure that I have a published work before I die. Then I would also make sure that I convert Halimat my last daughter to a christian, and convince my last son Malik to marry a christian lady. I think I should have the right also to have some of my children follow my footsteps. It’s part of what would make me happy before I die.
Then finally, I would go and find Adekunle, my bestie and widower colleague at Ministry of Health. The only reason my life ever still had a meaning. Now, we’ll have the chance to tell ourselves all the things we weren’t able to do then. And most probably do some. I sincerely hope he wouldn’t be dead by then.